"The radiologist has reviewed your mammogram, and there are some dense spots in your breasts that we would like to investigate further. Can you come in for further tests next Tuesday?"
I am 45 years old. I have two young children. I'm supposed to get married in 95 days.
I have held the fear at bay since the phone call--mostly because the day it came, I was up to my eyeballs in work and didn't have time to process. Since then, I have been away on a Valentine's Day holiday with Dear Friend, and being with him tends to send my serotonin levels into the stratosphere. He is with me, no matter what, he says...and I believe that.
But today, I am back at my other home without him...and the wait to have further tests and get the results seems like a marathon for which I have not trained. Today, I am running full-tilt on the knife-edge of fear.
As I run, however, I am mindful of Mark Twain's comment about worry:
I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
I am trying to keep this all in perspective, but it is difficult not to "borrow trouble." I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of what a diagnosis of cancer would do to the carefully constructed house of cards that is my life. Can I take care of my children if I am ill? Can I be with Dear Friend, when our relationship depends on my being able to travel? However will I manage? Should I continue to make wedding plans?So many questions. So few answers, here on the knife-edge.
I suspect that is the way it always is. No one is really prepared for the possibility of disaster. We spend our lives pretending that nothing bad will ever happen to us or those we love--and then we all just react to bad news as best we can.
Today, I am praying for peace of mind, because I really believe that's all God has the ability to give in situations like this. Because I tend to rush headlong into an imagined future of pain and loss, I am praying for the gift of presence in this moment--in which I am loved and supported by many.
Just this morning, dear Fran wrote me this, in answer to my worries about whether I should continue with wedding plans:
Your beautiful future is really in the present and awaits you with such enormous grace and love, it needs you to participate without reserve.
I am fortunate to have such friends...such love...such faith in my life. May I have the ability to listen and to live a life that reflects so many blessings. May I have the grace to continue to "participate without reserve."
28 comments:
Deep breath.
You don't have enough information to live on the knife edge of fear yet.
(This is coming from someone with an awful family history and dense mammos who gets run around the barn annually.)
If you think it would help, get a copy of your mammo report, FB me and let me translate the report to English. It's your right to ask for a copy of the report. I'd be happy to at least play "medical translator" in all this.
I KNEW there was a reason for me to blog this...even when I kept telling myself that I was being ridiculous...
Thanks, Kirk. I'll ask for a copy of that report tomorrow when I go in for the diagnostic test. You're a love.
I hold you in my prayers, Doxy, and wish you health and love and grace and a future as expansive as your desires.
Blessings,
Marisa
Oh Doxy, you know how much I love you.
Prayers and more prayers.
Marisa--thank you for stopping by and for you prayers and good wishes. I really enjoy your blog, though I don't comment very often.
Fran--I do, my dear...I really do. And am so grateful!
Well, and it's not to say it couldn't be potentially bad...or nothing...or in between. It's just that you don't know. The problem, of course, is more info needs to be gathered. When you are the person who has to call the person who needs more studies, well, you A) can't really say anything; B) probably don't KNOW anything yourself, just following the radiologist's instructions, and C)have to say it in a way that the less conscientious folks will not fart around with getting the studies done.
Your personal doc may also already have a copy of the report, it is probably worth a phone chat with your doc, also. Hearing "your" doctor is valuable too. Those of us in the "behind the scenes" specialties don't get the benefit of communication, so hooking up with your trusted family doc is good both from a medical and emotional sense.
But chances are, they want to do one or any combination of the following:
1. "Spot" mammos of the area
2. Ultrasound
3. Breast MRI (that is usually last if the other two are not helpful, because of the $$$$ factor)
But meanwhile, keep your powder dry. That is hard to do the first time this happens (believe me) but at least in my case, a good dose of getting p.o.'ed keeps the fear factor away..."Grrr. Can't believe I gotta go in and do THIS. Well, crap, I wonder if my deductible's covered yet?"
Hey...I know...knowing how you feel about intercessory prayer, you can grunt about how it is already happening to you probably! (wink)
Seriously, hang in there.
((((((forehead bump)))))))
Well, of course this *would* happen after the first of the year--after I bumped my deductible way up. Sigh.
One is tempted to break into a rousing chorus of the Hee-Haw standard "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all..."---but given the incredible things that have happened to me in the last couple of years, that would be a bald-faced lie. So I shall resist the temptation... ;-)
If it's any consolation, I, too, get regular "dense mass" reports, and I've had lumps excised four times. I know how you feel, though. My sort-of-agnostic-but-not-even-sure-about-that prayers are with you. xo
I'm sending you love and strength and I'll be with you in spirit tonight and tomorrow.
I feel very strongly that you and Dear Friend will be dancing your happy asses off at your wedding. Before you know it! :)
I pray all is well. And that you find that safe place.
You got my private e-mails. Here's a public hug -- glad you have good friends around you and reached out. P.S. It's okay to be weak and freaked out.
As for Dear Friend, he'll be there for you and you will be together no matter what. In sickness and in health, ya know?
Saw your note on FB and wanted to come here to send you some thoughts and prayers that it will all turn out to be nothing. Which, I understand from those who have been through similar scares, it often is (nothing, I mean).
Of course, keep making your plans! I hope that this is simply a reminder to live life fully every minute of the day, and to treasure every moment -- regardless of the outcome.
Easy for me to say, perhaps, but I've been through a scary cancer scare as well, which turned out to be nothing (or at least, nothing at the time, and nothing since). Remaining positive in the face of it, or at least remaining "I can handle this no matter the outcome" is important, I think.
{{{Doxy}}}
PJ--your mouth to God's ear, honey! ;-)
Thank you all. I am breathing easier tonight because of your prayers and good wishes. Tomorrow, after the test, I am going shopping for a wedding dress...
Dress shopping! YES!
Without reservation - go go go!
((((Doxy)))
P.S. I think that a certain Grendel is up there, all curled up at the feet of the Lord, putting fort prayers on your behalf right now. I can hear Grendel now "Doxy, I love her!"
Doxy, I know that leap of fear. I've had to go in for several ultrasounds because they didn't like my mammos, and I've had a biopsy too. It's too soon for you to know that the news will be bad. Mine never has been.
I'll pray for you to stay in the present, as you want, and I'll pray for the news to be good.
Listen, Doxy, I had a similar thing in August, 2 months before our wedding. They scheduled me for a revised mammogram and an ultrasound. Never had to have the ultrasound.
Turns out the whole thing was an artifact of compression; after retaking the original image and about 12 other views, they figured there was nothing there. Not that we didn't have several days of raw terror.
I'm just saying--
I'm thinking of you HARD.
Isn't Fran wise?
(((((Doxy)))))
Praying and breathing with you.
Been holding you in the light for days...and sending up special prayers for you today.
And wedding dress shopping is, well...wOOt!!!!!
{{{{{{{{{Doxy}}}}}}}}}
The Duck Noodle Gang's praying for you down here on this side of the planet: we're determined to have you and Mr. Doxy come and visit some day God's just going to have to have you both hunky-dory for that 30hr+ plane trip ;-)
Now keep making those plans, because you've got the wedding of the century ahead of you, and you'd better believe this fear won't even be a distant memory come that wonderful day!
Fran is, indeed, wise!
(And Fran, you made me tear up, thinking of Grendel--but in a good way! Last year, he sent me a big bag of chocolates for Valentine's Day. I really miss him...)
IT--there should be a law...no scares of any kind in the lead-up to a wedding!
Alcibiades--keep that Welcome mat out, my friend...because we *will* be coming down there at some point. In fact, I think I need to make a plan for that and start saving my pennies!
Doxy, my prayers and love go with you today. May all be well.
I refuse to do overtly religious messages anymore. That is why I do not belong on a religious blog. I do these instead:
1. Feel the fear. Hit or throw something if it will help. Meissen china is really cool. However...
2. Do not project. You really have no idea what is going to happen. Fear is one thing, writing a script sucks.
3. You have today. There is no other.
4. The little I know of you, you are one strong lady who has the support of people who love and care about you.
5. Therefore you are not alone.
As a breast cancer survivor I can tell you two things:
One, every person's ecperience is different; and two, the anticipation is far worse than anything that will actually happen. Everything I imagined I would go through was ten times worse than the actual experience.
So my advice is to relax (easier said than done)until you get some information and trust that you are in good hands.
Many prayers coming to you.
{{{Doxy}}} I'll light a candle at our Mary shrine for you the next time I'm at church...
O merciful Father, who hast taught us in thy holy Word that thou dost not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men: Look with pity upon the sorrows of thy servant Doxy for whom our prayers are offered. Remember her, O Lord, in mercy, nourish her soul with patience, comfort her with a sense of thy goodness, lift up thy countenance upon her, and give her peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (BCP, p. 831)
Love you, my sister.
Don't panic! Enough time for that if things should go wrong and statistically that's a lot less than 50/50.
Thinking of you.
Wow!! When I looked through the comments you have lots of people who are praying for you. Now you have one more.
At this point, you have probably had the other tests done. Keep in mind that the majority of mammograms that require follow up turn out to be negative. I know that nothing I can say will stop you from worrying but just keep it in the back of your mind that it probably will turn out okay.
Love and prayers are being sent your way.
Doxy -- Ken is right to tell you to feel your fear by which I understand him to mean don't deny to yourself, others or God that you are afraid. And then please feel free to ask God to take it away. As I will so pray for you.
Much love.
I add prayers for your peace and continued well being. You (we) have such wonderful, wise loving friends. And, though fear is real and must be faced (which doesn't mean the source of the fear will be real) love, not fear, has the last word.
When are you gonna get round to sharing some of the details of the wedding; I don't even know what town you live in, nor the name & location of the church, etc.
I hope you like Champagne.
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