Coming Soon to a Blog Near You...

I'm not avoiding the rest of the race stuff. It's worse than that.

I'm switching computers.

Please pray for me...

(I'll be back as soon as I can!)

And Now for Something Completely Different...

I need a brief interlude from thinking about race...

My Dear Friend is in Philadelphia this week. He is doing important work for God, and I am thrilled that he has that opportunity. It is a mark of the respect with which he is viewed by those outside the church that he has been invited to participate in this, and a wonderful opportunity to make a positive difference in the world.

But I miss him terribly. A few of you know our story---and maybe I'll post the whole thing one day. But for now, it continues to stun me how much I want to be with him. I had given up on the idea of true love---and now I am drowning in it.

Fans of MadPriest will know that, recently, he solicited his readers' favorite love songs. I know that he's never going to post the one I sent him---it's country and sappy, and I knew when I sent it that it wouldn't meet his exacting musical standards. But it is the story of my life these days...so to my Dear Friend, I offer this:



(This song has the added advantage of having been co-written by Marcus Hummon, who is married to the Episcopal chaplain at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, TN--my grad school alma mater.)

Let's Talk About Race...(Part 2)

No one wants to admit that they notice race in this country.

America is home to a nation full of White people who insist that they are "color-blind." We love to pretend that we've opened the doors of economic and social success to all comers---as long as they speak "proper English," dress the way we think they should, and are properly grateful for being allowed to enter, of course.

No one wants to admit to being either poor or rich in this country, either.

America is also the home of the vast "middle class." When Americans are asked to define their social class, most of them choose "middle class," including over a third of those whose annual income tops $150K.

We define ourselves as "middle class" when we aren't because we like to think that we're just "regular folks"--not wealthy people who perpetuate our economic advantages at the expense of others.

We paper over issues of class and race because we have an almost unshakable belief in America as a meritocracy, where all those who are willing to work hard can succeed.

I hate to put it this bluntly, but "meritocracy" is as "real" as Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Those who start out with advantages (e.g., stable family, safe living environment, sufficient income, health care, good schools) enjoyed predominantly by White, middle/upper-middle class Americans continue to build on those advantages for the rest of their lives. Individual efforts and choices will certainly play a role---but, let's face it...the deck is stacked from the beginning.

If you are White and middle/upper-middle class, you and I were BORN on third base. Let's not be disingenuous and convince ourselves that we hit a triple...

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Folks in academia talk a lot about "White privilege." It basically means that the social structure rewards White people, and enables them to live in a world where their race is not an impediment to anything.

(If you really want to understand something about "White privilege," read this article by Peggy McIntosh---if you dare. It's 20 years old and, sadly, her list of privileges that attach to Whiteness are as applicable today as they were when the article was first published.)

For example, if you are White, you probably went to good schools that had plenty of experienced teachers, sufficient supplies, extracurricular activities, etc. You have probably never had any trouble getting credit. You have probably had good health care from the day you were born. If you are out of your 20s, you very likely own your own home.

If you are African American (or Hispanic), none of these things is a given. The gaps in income, home ownership, and educational achievement persist, and---in some cases---are widening.

Them what has, gets, people. To deny that is to be willfully ignorant. And White people has.

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There are well-to-do African Americans, of course. Getting ahead is not impossible---just less likely and far more difficult.

And there is a price to pay for doing so. You will always be held up as an example of the possibility of success---White people who don't want to change the system will point to you when they want to deny that racism keeps anyone from succeeding. You will be the only data point some people choose to accept.

Meanwhile, infant mortality rates for African American infants are 3.5 times higher than for Whites. One third of African American children live in poverty (compared to 10% of White children), and high-achieving African American students are losing ground in the educational race. If you are Black, on average, you will die 5 years earlier than a White person.

Those statistics are not from decades ago. They are the latest numbers the United States government and reputable research organizations have to offer.

From birth to death, being Black is a disadvantage.

So remind me again how race is no longer a factor in this country? And remind me again why the Reverend Jeremiah Wright--a Christian within the long and honorable prophetic tradition--has no business being angry?

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You see, I view the thorny, contentious issue of race through the lens of faith. And my faith tradition reminds me that God, in both the Word made Flesh and in scripture, has shown a decided preference for the poor and racially downtrodden (think both Jews and Samaritans)---as well as a decided intolerance for those who store up grain in their barns while others go hungry.

God also seems to have a preference for people who lay it on the line--who speak the truth, despite the costs to themselves. Isaiah---who, according to tradition, was put inside a hollow log by the evil king, Manasseh, and sawed in half in retaliation for his preaching. Jeremiah---who, legend has it, was stoned to death by his fellow Jews in Egypt for calling them on their sins. Paul--who is alleged to have been beheaded in Rome for preaching the Gospel.

Jesus himself said some pretty harsh things during his time on Earth. Calling people "vipers" and "whited sepulchers" (an interesting turn on the question of color BTW!) is not "nice." I love to focus on the compassionate Jesus as much as the next person---but you've got to admit that Jesus shook people up by his strong rhetoric. In fact, it got him killed.

I think strong rhetoric around race is way overdue---and I think the Church should be screaming from the roof tops about 400+ years of systemic discrimination against people of color in America. We should all be angry about the fact that the Church has, time and again, been an apologist for racism and a refuge for people who refuse to admit their complicity in a system that limits opportunities based purely on skin color.

According to Louie Crew, noted civil rights leader Aaron Henry was once asked whether the church had been a light during the struggle for justice. `The church a light?' he said...`Yeah, a tail light.'

When it comes to race, we Christians have a lot to answer for. We have been the tail light, rather than a light to the nations.

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, misere nobis.

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As I read your comments, this series is morphing. It may end up being shorter than 5 (or longer!), so I'm going to take the numbers off the posts. We'll just chat until we don't have anything more to say...

Thanks,
Doxy

Let's Talk About Race...(Part 1)

Y'all can either thank or blame Grace for about half of my blog entries. She and I were discussing the whole Jeremiah Wright flap at Shuck and Jive the other day, and I started typing and couldn't stop.

One thing I have learned---when I start writing novels in the comment section of other people's blogs, it's time to move it back over here, so...here we are. I'm sure that the good Reverend Shuck will be relieved that I showed some self-restraint in his comment box... ;-)

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Race is a tough thing to talk or write about. People are rarely honest about the issue, in my experience. The issue of race cuts to the heart of everything we believe about ourselves as individuals and about this nation as the pinnacle of human governance.

Talking about race forces us to recognize things we don't really want to know. Most of us don't want to admit that the very structure of our society condemns whole groups of people to begin, live, and end their lives in a subordinate position. Or that some of us benefit disproportionately from that social structure, whether we want to or not.

The toughest issue of all is our unwillingness to admit that we WANT to continue to reap those unfair benefits...certainly more than we want to level the playing field. We dress our desire to succeed at the expense of others in language about hard work and ambition, and we lie to ourselves about our own merits--because to do otherwise would require us to give up things we want for ourselves and our children.

In the end, we choose our own success and desires over what is right or fair. It has ever been thus, but to people who call themselves Christians, I believe it is one of the most glaring and reprehensible of sins.

The issue of race reveals in us the worst of human selfishness and a deeply rooted unwillingness to be honest with either ourselves or others. That, I believe, is why we don't like to talk about it.

But never let it be said that Doxy shies away from controversy! Let's put on the asbestos underwear and get started...

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I started this post in reaction to some things that Grace was posting in the thread referenced above. I don't quote her to pick on her specifically. Her opinions on this issue are quite common among middle-class Whites:

As far as I know, I've never discriminated, or held someone down in my life based on race.

I think the power of pervasive discrimination in our country has been broken. I think it's more the exception for folks to be denied an education, or viable employment based in race.

From my perspective as a trained social scientist and historian, there are so many problems to these statements that I barely even know where to start.

First, it really doesn't matter if you, as an individual, have ever discriminated. Our entire social structure has been built on discrimination of one sort or another. The economy runs on the unpaid or underpaid work of minorities and women.

(Imagine how things would be different, for example, if women were paid for their labor in the home and with children! A subject for another post...)

If you are White, you are, quite simply, the beneficiary of 400 years of slavery and discrimination. Whether you've ever had a prejudicial thought in your life, you reap the benefits of the color of your skin. All you have to do is breathe.

How do I know this? Because I can look at the data that shows things from the other end of the spectrum.

Every single indicator I know of shows African Americans in a less favorable position than Whites.

Every. Single. One.

• Infant mortality
• Education
• Income
• Home Ownership
• Health
  

You name it, and African Americans do worse. (I'd give you cites for all of these, but it's taken me too damned long just to write this post as it is. If you want the data, Google is your friend. I do suggest you check out the Pew Foundation's report on social and demographic trends.)

You could argue that these statistics are based on class, rather than race. But given that African Americans have remained in the lower socioeconomic strata because of persistent discrimination in education, housing, etc.--discrimination enforced for a long time by the laws of our own government---I contend that the onus is on you to prove that race is not a factor.

If fact, I will go even further and ask: How can you (collective "you") possibly believe that racism is not a major cause of those disparities?

Or will you come out and admit that you believe Black people are stupid and lazy and choose to be poorer, less educated, and sicker?

Because you've really only got two options there---African Americans face an uphill battle in life because of discrimination or they are inherently inferior to Whites. Logic (and the data) demands that you choose one.

(To be continued....)
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I will be posting this reflection in sections, because it grew so large that I knew no one would read it in one sitting! I'll probably post a new section every other day or so, in order to give time for comments.

Because I've been around the Web a time or two, I know what kind of comments a post like this is likely to draw. Therefore, I'm putting all comments on moderation for a while. Civil disagreements are great, and I encourage them---but as Father Jake says, this blog is the equivalent of my living room. If you say something here that would cause me to show you the door in my home, you can expect that I will delete your comments---so save us both the trouble. Thanks, Doxy.

Wonderful Weekend

First, let me thank you all for the support and prayers you gave after my last post. In one sense, it seems odd to think that Invisible People are praying for me and mine---and, in another, it seems the most natural thing in the world. I am very grateful for all of you, and so many of you are in my own daily prayers.

And now, for some good news...

My kids and I had a wonderful weekend. I took them to visit my Dear Friend for the first time.
His parish was hosting a concert by Fran McKendree this weekend, and we thought it might be a good time to introduce them to the other side of my life.

Neither of us (the grownups) was sure how it would go. These things can be tricky, of course. The kids already knew and loved him---but there is a big difference between loving someone as an individual, and loving that person as your Mom's Dear Friend.

Given distance (168.8 miles...not that I'm counting) and schedules, there are not many occasions where the four of us will be together, so I'm happy to report that all went about as well as one could hope. The three of them were very easy and natural with one another, and everyone seemed to have a great time. The people at DF's church were lovely to my kids, as they continue to be to me. Fran McKendree was great too! (And I say that as one who doesn't usually much care for contemporary Christian music...)

So, again, I thank you for your prayers. It's clear that Someone is listening.

The Hydra

Do you remember that mythical, multi-headed beast? The one that Hercules was directed to slay? The Hydra had many heads, and if you chopped one off, two more grew in its place. It also had one immortal head.

My ex-husband is a Hydra.

His immortal head seems to be hatred of me. The reproducing heads are his never-ending attempts to yank my chain.

He's in full battle mode today because I drew a line in the sand this week about e-mail communications. I told him that any more e-mail discussions of his feelings toward me, or e-mails implying that he wished I had died, would mean that I would cut off e-mail contact and he would have to deal with me directly.

As this is the one thing he very much wishes to avoid, he has moved into dive-bombing me with "fact-based" e-mails about the children. He seems desperate to maintain some kind of emotional hold on me, and now he is using the "welfare of the children" to do that.

It won't work. Mostly because I'm much healthier emotionally than I used to be, and I can see much more clearly just how well the kids are doing.

Last night, I had a brief chat with them about an issue their dad had raised. My son is more close to the vest with his emotions, but still pretty readable. My daughter wears her emotional weather on her sleeve. They were both genuinely puzzled that the Hydra would assess the situation the way he did. The Emperor said "I don't know where THAT's coming from! That may be Dad's perception, but it's not right."

I wish I could find my ex another Hydra to play with. I really do think he'd be happier, and I wouldn't have to keep fighting new heads full of fangs.

The Greatest Temptation

Last week I wrote about my greatest fear. I figured this week I should write about my greatest temptation....

That would be this: I have an opinion on everything---and I'm not afraid to share it. I am often driven to tell people what I think, without pulling any punches. Regardless of whether they want to hear it or not...

It is very easy to blame this on the Leo in me.

The Internet offers me an endless opportunity to give in to that temptation. Particularly when it comes to my hot-button issues: the church I love...the faith to which I am committed...the sanctity of commitments and the need, on occasion, to break them...and the welfare of children in broken families.

In general, I have learned, as the result of several painful and embarrassing episodes, to sit on my hands and give myself time to think before I post. For every comment I leave on a blog, there are probably five more that I end up deleting.

That education actually came in quite handy during the worst part of my divorce, when my ex was sending me the most hateful e-mails I could imagine. E-mails in which he tried to push every button I possess---easy enough to do when you've been living with someone for 14 years and know all their vulnerable spots. It infuriated him that I refused to respond.

I had to take my comfort where I could...

(Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. Sigh. I got another one this morning, where the message I got was that it would have been better for me to kill myself than to leave him. But I digress...)

Unfortunately, I am not always successful in my resolve to be temperate. Sometimes I say more than I should. Sometimes I offer opinions that are best left to those who share "meat space" with the person I am addressing.

If you think I am talking to you, I most assuredly am. And for my pride and arrogance, I offer my apologies. They say the first step toward changing is recognizing the problem...let's hope they're right.

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Sometimes we can see things for what they are. We can see that the "issues" that set us off are not really what they appear to be on the surface.They are really only proxies for something else.

For example, as a first-time mother, I quickly found myself embroiled in The Mommy Wars. Violent battles of words raged on the Web between women who stayed home with their children, and women who worked for wages outside the home. Each was trying to "prove" that their way of being a parent was best (or, at the least, not damaging to their children's futures).

For stay-at-home moms, the issue was that they were permanently limiting their own future earning power (and placing themselves at the mercy of their spouses) to be at home with their children. For work-outside-the-home moms, they were sacrificing a significant amount of daily interaction with their children to ensure financial stability--or simply acknowledging that working was something they needed to do as individuals.

The truth, of course, is that there is no one best way to rear children. As in most things in life, "it depends." There are moms who have the great gift of making time at home with their children a wonderful thing, and moms who are much better parents when they can use their talents in places outside the nursery.

(I happen to fall in the latter camp, in case you were wondering.)

Every woman involved in the debate was really just trying to deal with her fear that she was not a "perfect mother" (whatever that means...) and that her children were being damaged by her choices (or by the circumstances that took choice away). We could all quibble about what "best" really means for kids, but the bottom line was that we ALL loved our kids and we ALL felt guilty about our performance as mothers.

I learned early that guilt is the one common denominator for motherhood.

So I refused to fight that war any longer. And when various skirmishes came up (breastfeeding v. bottle, crib v. co-sleeping, circumcision or not, etc.), I just refused to play. And I somehow got much more confident in my parenting when I stopped trying to compare myself to the mythical Perfect Mom.

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Other times, however, we are just too close to an issue and cannot really see beyond our own "stuff." I am in that place about marriage, divorce, and children.

Over the course of many years, I have recognized a pattern in my behavior. Whenever I make a big change in my life, everything that happens to me for quite some time afterwards gets analyzed through the filter of that change.

So when I see a blogger who is struggling with marital issues, or who is feeling depressed and hopeless, I can't help but personalize their struggles. I tend to barge in and pronounce, when what is usually needed is just an ear. Or even silence.

As the Perfect Mom would say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

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So how does all this play out in the blogosphere?

I'm trying to figure that out.

But this I know---that the moment when I'm most certain I'm right, is the moment when Wormwood is most in control.