Monday, November 05, 2007

It is finished....

At one time, I thought I would begin this post with "Free at last!"

But tonight, I am feeling introspective, so that didn't seem apropos.

I got a call from my attorney's office this evening. Apparently, there was a mix-up with my divorce papers in the county clerk's office. After the clerk recorded the divorce, someone put them in the wrong box and they were never sent to my attorney.

My divorce was actually final weeks ago.

I have been separated for almost 18 months, so, in a way, the whole thing is anticlimactic. In my view, the marriage was over when I moved out in May 2006, but there is something different about getting the news that things are, indeed, finished.

I am sad, in a way. Sad that something that seemed so sure on April 30, 1993 turned out to be so wrong. Sad that someone I once loved can no longer bear to be in the same room with me. Sad that my children have joined the legion of children in America who do not live with both their parents. None of this is what I wanted when I made my vows.

But though there is loss, there is hope now, too.

I once felt that my future was nothing but a gray and endless road, unfurled through the desert of my life. There was a time when death felt preferable to continuing to walk that road.

Today, that thought seems absolutely foreign to me.

Today, there is hope and a sense of excitement about my future. My world is no longer gray, but full of color, music, poetry, and laughter.

I grieve for yesterday, but I look forward to tomorrow.

It is finished. Kyrie eleison. Deo gratias.