Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Prenuptial Agreements

Dear Friend and I have been working on finalizing our prenuptial agreements.*

I think a spouse should have to promise to put the toilet seat AND the lid down. I think a male spouse should wipe the floor when he misses the target. And I think said spouse should towel off in the bathtub, rather than dripping all over the bath mat and the floor.

(I have bathroom issues. Sue me.)

Dear Friend is having his best friend, Harold, help him devise his own prenuptial agreement list. Knowing Harold, I'm sure it will contain acrobatic sexual performances on demand, keeping the fridge stocked with designer beer, and no complaining about time spent on the golf course.

Knowing what you know now, what would you require of a spouse before tying the knot?

*For the humor-impaired among you, this is all in good fun. Work with me here....


Laura Creekmore said...

Here is a little tidbit I learned the first time around about what to require of myself: If something really bugs you, but not your spouse, you should probably be responsible for it. AKA, don't nag your husband to take out the trash every day when you are damn well capable of doing so, and when it will make you feel so much better anyway. Heh, you have bathroom issues, I have trash issues.

All of my advice is related to maintaining sanity. Like, another good thing to include would be: We agree to respect each other's need for personal space and to go out of our way to accommodate it, including taking over kids and dinner duties as needed.

Have I said lately how happy I am for you????? :)

Cecilia said...

I'd require him to get all the little things out as they come up, and not save it all for when he's found someone else more appealing.

But that's just me.

Pax anyway!


baxterkaunefamily said...

Separate bathrooms?


Wormwood's Doxy said...

Excellent advice, Laura and Cecilia! (And thanks, Laura. :-)

But, so far, Kirsten is winning. ;-)

Jane Ellen+ said...

The spouse who empties the ice box in the freezer shall empty the full trays into it and then refill the trays for freezing, rather than picking out cubes as needed until all the trays sit useless and all the ice is gone.

The advent of the automatic icemaker may well have saved our marriage.

8thday said...

I would require that a spouse cannot put on their eyeglasses or contacts until I am fully out of bed, showered, dressed and looking presentable.

Kirkepiscatoid said...

Well, both lids should definitely be down if there are dogs. Otherwise you get wet kisses after they've been drinking from the um...magic well.

I would also vote for "re-stock soda/beer after the last one in the fridge has been consumed," and "do not put empty leftover plates back in the fridge," and "if there is only one serving of any kind of leftover remaining in the fridge, ask before consuming."

You have bathroom issues, I have refrigerator issues.

Josh Indiana said...

No looking younger than I do.

Brian R said...

Thanks for giving me some reasons to be thankful for having lived alone for over 30 years :-)

Bill Carroll said...

Sorry, Doxy, but I have to disagree here.

The toilet seat lid thing is an evasion of personal responsibility. Check it before you sit down!

(I'm actually more or less trained on this one, but this is still my position.)

susankay said...

All horizontal spaces shall be acknowledged to NOT be storage spaces. As a subset of the above: kleenex tissues shall be deposited in a wastepaper basket not on a horizontal surface.

And more importantly: snuggle a lot.

Jane R said...

Well, Dear Friend should have an acrobatic performance clause too. Fair's fair!

Song in my Heart said...

Someone who is not me gets to deal (humanely, if possible) with spiders, earwigs, and any other crawly things that might erroneously decide they want to share our living space.

just another duck on the pond said...

WHEREAS prenuptial agreements are promises that goofy people make at the goofiest of all possible moments, like the ones in which we are now speaking these lines in formal resolution; and

WHEREAS the sky is especially blue and the grass is the freshest green and the birds are singing and no one is playing an annoying violin at this time; and,

WHEREAS nothing should be left to chance that can't be nailed down; and,

WHEREAS here we are on the light side of long life and happiness before the floor is littered with clothes hastily shed; and,

WHEREAS people WILL still get MARRIED these days instead of taking the opportunity to live in SIN, which is perfectly exciting and should be reconsidered; and,

WHEREAS nothing on the planet will ever take the place of a very cold beer on a very hot day, which miracle often occurs after mowing the yard, which, of course, is always the purview of the Friend and certainly NOT the delicate sensibilities of the Doxy, but we digress;

THEREFORE LET IT BE RESOLVED that these issues are to be sworn in the affirmative by the Friend in the presence of the Doxy and her precious family and friends on the evening prior to the event which, God Help Them, they insist on going through with:

Issue the First. When in doubt, praising the incomparable wisdom and beatific countenance of the Bride with as many beautiful exclamations as one can profess will always obtain, and will, in fact, greatly enhance the chances that the groom will enjoy the end of the day.

Issue the Second. When further in doubt, the groom keeps his precious mouth in a closed position, adopts an acquiescent manner, and kisses the ground She walks on.

Issue the Third. As weekend approaches and the Bride appropriately dithers over the events She prefers for her amusement, it befits the groom to make pleasant comments such as "yes, my Most Precious Jewel and Crown of my being" and "anything you wish, my little Scrumptious Morsel" get the idea.

Issue the Fourth. Any moment after the Bridal Chamber is entered is a most blessed opportunity to sigh, moan, exclaim in ecstasy, and generally make adoring noises about Her elegant thighs, the maximum of appreciation for Her most shapely hips and, oh, just go on and on about it, you know? until She rewards you with whatever She deigns to dispense. Nota Bene: It would be most grievous to be slack in this issue and much hard practice may be required. Really. Read Her lips.

Issue the Last. A moment is lived well if there is the smile of pleasure, or a hint of mischief; and a moment is lived deeply with hands held through difficult times as well as glad; and a moment is lived in beauty where a softness in the eyes effortlessly conveys the shine of the Beloved's heart...

AND BE IT THEREFORE FURTHER RESOLVED that there is no greater blessing than Doxy and her Dear Friend sharing their love with all of us, near and far, and we who believe in the foreverness of love happily bless them right back.

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Y'all are amazing. But I think I may have to break it off with Dear Friend and marry Duck instead.... ;-)

Brian--you *do* realize that now the Karma Fairy will be along at any moment to make you fall madly in love with someone who will drive you crazy when you live together?

Fr. Bill--this is MY prenuptial agreement. You will have to write your own. ;-)

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

The only one I can think of is that I would have made him promise to let me paint half the rooms in the house with color (which I prefer) instead of having nearly all of them off white (which he prefers).

Silly, I know, but it's one of the few areas of aesthetics where we disagree radically. (We even had the same set of everyday dishes before we married. How sick is that?)

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Got that one covered already, Ruth. Dear Friend had the first floor of his townhouse repainted last November and he let me pick the colors. The rooms are a very soothing sage green and the bathroom is a warm brown. :-)

The upstairs is next....

(What IS it with people and off-white?!?!?!)

Brian R said...

I just had my main bedroom repainted along with a complete refurbishment of the ensuite. I was advised bu everyone (family and tradespeopel) thst, seeing I intend selling it soon, the colour had to be off-white (actually Antique White (USA) which I hate.

FranIAm said...

I am very late to this...I have loved reading all the comments.

In a perfect world, and I say this from the viewpoint of a communal person, I vote for separate bathrooms.

Having the bathroom pre-nup is something we missed doing... and have paid the price for!

Jan said...

I like separate bathrooms, but also separate bedrooms when the snoring attacks.

Paul said...

We hired people to clean our house. It didn't save the relationship in the long run but it made many years much nicer. And separate bathrooms, as many have noted.

If women want us to put the seat down for them, why don't they put the seat up for us? Just saying.

Ducks and runs for cover.

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Brian--I'm told that most home-buyers have no imagination and simply cannot see themselves living in a house that is painted with colors not of their own choosing. I find that terribly sad...but unsurprising in the American context. How terrible that things are that way on your side of the world as well!

Separate bathrooms are an option. I'm glad to know that this will lead to marital harmony.

Separate bedrooms are also an option--but I really hope we don't get to that!

If women want us to put the seat down for them, why don't they put the seat up for us? Just saying.

Paul, honey--a yawning toilet is an aesthetic offense to anyone who has eyes to see. Seat AND lid need to be down so that no one has to stare into the maw of the beast.

Not to mention the little factor Kirk mentioned--I do NOT want Jasper licking me in the face (or anywhere else for that matter) after he's had a drink out of there. Yuck.

Diane said...

I like separate bathrooms, and rights to organize the kitchen (if I end up doing most of the cooking).

IT said...

Just one.

Never go to bed mad.

Lauralew said...

A housekeeper, separate bathrooms, and separate TVs. That way he can watch his neocon shows while you watch PBS. We don't have a housekeeper, which means I work like a slave but we have the others.

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Diane--I would never have thought of the right to organize the kitchen until now, but thanks! Dear Friend never puts anything in the same place twice...

IT--I think I had better combine yours with Cecilia's. There were many years in my previous marriage where I just stuffed it all inside and slept on it too. Not good.

Lauralew--To be honest with you, I could never marry anyone who watched neocon shows.

But, then again...I hate television in general, so if you had told me that I would actually grow to *enjoy* watching golf on TV with Dear Friend, I would have called you mad.

The things we do for love... ;-)

themethatisme said...

I would and still do want to know what this obsession with putting the seat and lid down is?
And I would insist on having just one room which was utterly my own and to be invasion free.

Wormwood's Doxy said...

TheMe--all I can say is that most women come to that position after having stumbled into the bathroom in the middle of the night and having fallen in the bowl because *someone* left the seat up. It is NOT a pleasant experience, I can assure you.

From my POV, the lid thing is purely aesthetic--or a good dog hygiene method, depending.