But the truth is, I really seem to have no choice in the matter.
You may have gathered from things I've written before that I am a poetry fan. One of my very favorite poets is Mark Jarman, a professor at my grad school alma mater, Vanderbilt University. Jarman has written some of the poems that best capture my longing for, and my relationship to, God, including this one:
Unholy Sonnets: 11I appear to be destined to be dissatisfied. Always longing for the ineffable. Always searching for the "right thing" to say that will bring a response. Always hoping for a repeat of that "intrusion of an overwhelming joy."
Half asleep in prayer I said the right thing
And felt a sudden pleasure come into
The room or my own body. In the dark,
Charged with a change of atmosphere, at first
I couldn’t tell my body from the room.
And I was wide awake, full of this feeling,
Alert as though I’d heard a doorknob twist,
A drawer pulled, and instead of terror knew
The intrusion of an overwhelming joy.
I had said thanks and this was the response.
But how I said it or what I said it for
I still cannot recall and I have tried
All sorts of ways all hours of the night.
Once was enough to be dissatisfied.
---Questions for Ecclesiastes (bolding is mine)
I am both blessed and cursed---alert, full of feeling, and anxious to know what it is that has entered my heart, mind, and soul.
This state of dissatisfaction is not all bad, of course. In truth, I have come to mistrust satisfaction. I have come to recognize that feeling content with my relationship to God is the surest sign that I am avoiding the hard work of kenosis.
That's why I love Lent so much. It brings me face to face with myself. Shakes me out of my complacency tree and spurs me to be honest with myself about where I am with God and with my neighbors.
This Lent, my focus is on honesty. I struggle to be a good steward of my time, and to be honest "in my daily life and work," as the BCP liturgy for Ash Wednesday says. I struggle to live an integrated life, in which I am the same person in all contexts.
In some ways, I am struggling to be the wonderful person that Jasper and Grendel think I am...
I wish this were easy. Sometimes I even wish that being a person of integrity didn't matter to me. I know people who see honesty and integrity as weaknesses. I've even voted for some of them... ;-)
But I have heard the call. I have known the intrusion of overwhelming joy. I am dissatisfied, and I have no choice.
I pray that the God of grace and mercy will give me the courage and the strength to respond. I pray that Doxy and Paige will be the same person online and in real life. I pray that I will live up to Jasper's and Grendel's good opinion of me.
I pray that I will never be satisfied if it means that I will be less than God's vision for me.
5 comments:
Beautiful, Doxy. I especially loved reading about the intrusion of pure joy, of having no choice once you know that joy. You must be dissatisfied.
I understand. I've wondered what my life would be like had I not had the blessed intrusion. But once it comes, there is no choice but to follow.
I can't see you ever allowing yourself to be less in any way. Blessings to you!
Amen, ((Doxy)))
You are a blessing!
Grace.
I can't see you ever allowing yourself to be less in any way.
Ah...but I *have* done that. Many times. Every day, in fact. Sigh.
I think a lot about the impression I give of myself in my writing here. I hope I don't give anyone the idea that I'm some holy person who sits around thinking about God every minute. I wish my life were even *remotely* Christ-like.
This blog is my "spiritual journal," of sorts---so it's where I call myself to be better and do better. I appreciate so much the fact that you folks read and comment---your kind words mean a great deal, and they, too, inspire me to be/do better. I am privileged to have you walk this path with me.
Some of you have had a major impact on my journey, of late. In particular, I really liked Cecilia's post on truth-telling, and it was actually what spurred me to take on honesty as my Lenten discipline.
Like Cecilia, I hope you will help keep me accountable. It is (relatively) easy to write pretty words about wanting to follow God---much harder to live by them.
Wow! What a poem. It most surely resonates for me.
I still have not worked out my Lenten discipline, but the closest I've come is a prayer and a striving to be what I am in my best moments more of the time, more often.
Thanks for the lovely poem, Doxy.
Like as the hart.
Longing for heaven (on earth?), longing for God, finding God - maybe just for a moment here and there in someone we love or some place that is numinous, or some moment of vision.
A priest once said to me "Longing is NOT of God." "God fulfills".
But I'm not sure that the God who suffers -with us - doesn't know and love the longings we experience.
A holy and happy Lent to you dear friend.
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