Thursday, August 23, 2007

Dark Days

My ex and I are trying to come to agreement on the division of assets. I put this off until the very end because I knew it would be difficult for him---but by allowing him to go for well over a year without addressing the issue, I apparently gave him the idea that the division would never happen.

Without going into details, I will note that I have asked for much less than I am entitled to under the law---I am not trying to "take him to the cleaners." (And we have full joint custody of the kids, so there is also no threat of "taking the children away.") But money has always been an issue in our relationship---and his attitude now is that I left and therefore I deserve nothing. So far, his attorney seems to have been unable to disabuse him of this notion.

Things have gotten very ugly, and I am increasingly worried about his state of mind...and, to some, very small, paranoid extent, about my own safety. From the flow of overwrought, hateful e-mails I am receiving from him, I am beginning to understand how a generally mild-mannered person begins to fixate on something, blows it all out of proportion, and then snaps.

For years, I asked for some show of emotion from him---love, affection, some sign that I was valued and cherished. I am now receiving the only true emotion I've ever felt from him, and it is anger and hatred. I cannot even begin to describe how exhausting and demoralizing that is.

But---as hard as all of this is---at least it underscores for me that leaving was my only option if I was ever to find any joy or happiness this side of the Eschaton. What is happening now is intense, but it is different from my life before only in the explicitness of his contempt and disdain for me. Before, he used those things subtly to make me feel stupid and worthless---now all the gloves are off.

I ask your prayers for all of us. That we can come to some equitable agreement. That he and I can reach a point where we can work together for the good of our children. That we can find some kindness, and mercy, and grace in this agonizingly difficult time. That the Holy Spirit will pour some peace into his heart and mind.

That we can finish this before I lose both....