Thursday, March 08, 2007

Things left undone...

My Lenten discipline is not going well.

Your kind words and encouragement have mattered a great deal to me, so I wanted to give a brief update on the status of my Lenten musings. I promised to write at a time when work got really hectic. Since my professional writing is what keeps a roof over my kids' heads and food in their bellies, I hope Jesus doesn't mind that I've put him on the back burner.

But the truth is that *I* mind.

My Lenten observance very often falls prey to the exigencies of the day. It has been years since I felt as if I truly met my Lenten obligations. Last year, I was descending into madness--I barely even remember anything about Lent 2006. I had hoped to do better this year.

When I told one of my closest friends that I had taken on something for Lent (rather than giving something up), he practically screamed at me: "Doxy! Are you crazy?!?!? Renegotiate!!!"

I won't renegotiate, but I am working on something. I'm trying to finish a piece on Pilate. I hope to have it up by the weekend.

I am not an ambitious person, by and large---but that is not true when it comes to my spiritual journey. I want to do great things for God--want to open my life to His love, mercy, and grace, and then pour it out to others. I want to redeem all my mistakes and the pain I've caused people I love by showing that I can be faithful to a promise--even one so small as my Lenten discipline. I want---dare I say it?---to be holy.

This is bound to end in disappointment. For me, for others, for God.

Thank heavens I didn't give up chocolate or wine this year...