It is very fashionable, on both the left and the right, to talk about people who blithely get married with the idea that they can “just get divorced if it doesn’t work out.”
Maybe you know someone this callous and foolish, but---like the fabled woman who goes out shopping/partying after having an abortion---I’ve never met one.
People may end their marriages for reasons that you (or even I) find insufficiently grave, but I don’t think most people start their marriages thinking the relationship will end. I believe that, in many ways, getting married is the ultimate demonstration of faith---the hope, against overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that true love exists and can be claimed in this life.
That was certainly my take on marriage. Both times I made my vows, I did it with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.
Both times, that wasn’t enough.
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I started this post because two priests I really admire, Father Jake and Mother Elizabeth, recently said this in the comments section of Father Jake's blog: “I don’t believe in divorce.” (I wish I had copied links to their comments, but I didn't. Mea culpa.)
Their statements got me thinking… What does it mean to say you “don’t believe in divorce”?
And what are the spiritual and social implications if you say you do?
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I also decided to write this post because I’m tired of being the whipping girl for my friends on the left in the Current Unpleasantness over the full inclusion of GLBTs in the life of the church.
You see, I’ve noticed that the first thing progressives like to do when conservatives yammer about homosexuality being contrary to scripture is pull out The Divorce Card.
You know... “Well Jesus said divorce was wrong, but you never talk about that because so many fundangelicals are divorced...you big bunch of hypocrites!”
I understand this impulse---truly I do. Especially from those who actually are GLBT, and are unable to get married to begin with. It must seem like the greatest hypocrisy of all for the bibliolators to sanction divorce (even while deploring it rhetorically), while doing everything, up to and including destroying the church, to deny GLBTs their place in it.
I understand the desire to play tit-for-tat. I am a former fundagelical myself, and I am much better versed in the Bible than your average bear. There is plenty of scripture we can use to bash one another over the head, and the temptation to engage in proof-texting is well-nigh irresistible, given the hateful rhetoric that is bandied about in Christ’s name.
But there is something hurtful about being hit over the head, repeatedly, with my relationship failures by those who proclaim themselves to be loving and inclusive.
Recently, a regular contributor at Father Jake’s---a gay man whose writing and gentle heart I truly admire---made the comment that those who divorce betray Christ. It was like a completely unexpected slap in the face from someone you’ve always considered a friend.
I got divorced the first time because both my emotional health and my physical health (think 1991 and the threat of AIDS…) were in danger. I got divorced the second time because I came (this close) to killing myself out of despair.
Did I betray Christ by saving my life? And, if I did, what does that say about Christ?
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By now, I can see you shaking your head and saying “Somebody’s got ISSUES!”, and that is undoubtedly correct.
To be clear, however, I’m not asking for absolution or a Get Out of Marriage Free card. My priest offered me the former, without my asking---and, as those of you who have done it or witnessed it know, there ain’t no such thing as getting out of a marriage “free.”
I did not enter marriage lightly---and both times, I have left it, battered and bruised in heart and spirit, if not in body.
I am asking those who make blanket statements about divorce to think long and hard about what they mean---and what wounds they may be opening, or salting, by their words.
And I am asking myself to think seriously about what divorce means from a spiritual perspective.
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Although, as I have noted, I have a pretty strong biblical background, I decided it might be helpful to go back to the scriptures and see what Jesus really said about divorce.
I got a big surprise.
I actually thought I had a biblical “out” for my first divorce, since my gay ex was repeatedly unfaithful to me. Most people instantly give me a “pass” on my first marriage when they find out why it ended.
But upon re-reading the Gospel texts, I noted something interesting. Jesus gives an “out” to MEN...not to women. Almost all of his injunctions about divorce are aimed at men.
Matthew 5:31-32
31. 'It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.'
32. But I say to you that anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
And this one:
Matthew 19: 3-9
3. Some Pharisees came to him, and to test him they asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause?"
4. He answered, "Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,'
5. and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?
6. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
7. They said to him, "Why then did Moses command us to give a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her?"
8. He said to them, "It was because you were so hard-hearted that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
9. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery."
But here's the kicker:
Mark 10:2-12So a man has the “right” to divorce if his wife is unfaithful---but there is no similar right for women. Apparently any woman who divorces her husband and remarries commits adultery. Period.
2. Some Pharisees came, and to test him they asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?"
3. He answered them, "What did Moses command you?"
4. They said, "Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her."
5. But Jesus said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this commandment for you.
6. But from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female.'
7. 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
8. and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
9. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
10. Then in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter.
11. He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her;
12. and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." (italics are mine)
So much for "in Christ there is neither male nor female..."!
You can reinterpret those passages all you like---can tell me that Jesus really meant this to improve the lot of women who were at the mercy of their husbands' whims, or that this passage was added later and Jesus probably didn’t say it.
But on the scriptural evidence that I've got, not even Jesus is on my side.
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So who, exactly, “believes in divorce”?
Well, having done it twice now, I guess I do. Both times, in some sense, my life depended on it.
Which leads me to some questions I want to ask. Before I ask my questions, however, I feel compelled to state one important thing: I firmly believe in commitment and fidelity.
If I didn’t, I would never have gotten married in the first place.
I know full well that every relationship has its doldrums and hard times, and that working through those difficult periods can bring personal growth and restore happiness to a relationship that seemed moribund. I don't advocate running at the first, or second, or even tenth sign of trouble.
But I also know from experience that there are commitments that can kill you---either physically or emotionally---if you honor them. And I will state categorically (again by virtue of experience), only the individuals involved are in a position to evaluate whether that point has been reached.
So my questions to you are these:
- Why is it a “godly” thing to stay in a relationship in which you are miserable? Do you get extra points in heaven for being wretched and staying anyway?
- What do you do when you are in a relationship where one person sees the other as the only source of marital problems, and isn’t willing to take any responsibility for improving things? Why does God expect you to stay in a relationship where you take all the blame, but can’t “fix” the problem?
I didn’t “believe in divorce.”
I got divorced, anyway. Twice.
The funny thing is that I still believe in love. Still believe in commitment and fidelity. Still long for the feeling of connection that---at its best---only the regular, intimate contact of “marriage” (however you define that relationship) can bring.
My idealism is demonstrated by the fact that I am in a new relationship.
We have both failed at marriage, and we are wary of any attempts by others to force our relationship to fit some predetermined mold. We have agreed to be faithful to one another---and we are content to enjoy each day, because we know that there are no guarantees of happy endings.
There is love and joy, despite our bad experiences. Because we believe in miracles and mercy and grace. How could we not, seeing that we are both people of faith?
What would Jesus say to us, I wonder?
Would he tell us that we have forfeited our right to love and happiness because we could not make our marriages work?
Would he call the happiness and delight I feel in life these days a sinful mirage, because I have found it outside marriage?
I do not want to answer those questions glibly, because I feel, in my heart of hearts, that much of the relationship between God and humanity rests on a willingness to take relationships and covenants seriously.
But, somehow I doubt that Jesus would tell me that I've had my shot at love and don't get another. Somehow, I think the last thing in the world Jesus was out to do was to consign people to lovelessness.
OCICBW....
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If you have never heard Eva Cassidy’s rendition of Sting’s “Fields of Gold,” please go and listen. The first time I heard it, I wept. It sums up so poignantly for me the story of my failures, and my hopes for the future:
I never made promises lightly,
And there have been some that I've broken--
But I swear, in the days still left,
We'll walk in fields of gold.
Happy Valentine's Day. May you and the beloved ones in your lives walk in fields of gold.
UPDATE: Alcibiades, over at Caliban's Dream, has written an amazing and heart-wrenching follow-on to this post. Please don't miss it.
44 comments:
Doxy, you are so eloquent. I share your twice divorced status, of which I also am not proud. I agree profoundly with what you said. I might add something else--lots of sin leads to divorce. I think divorce is the culmination of sin. The sin of indifference, selfishness, self righteousness, inability to empathize, inability or unwillingness to tell or discern truth, etc. There are events leading to divorce that always involve sin of some kind on the part of one partner or the other, or both.
All sin betrays God. I can't get past this "you are worse than I am since you do things I'd never do." That right there is sin.
I wholeheartedly agree with your statement "I got divorced the second time because I came (this close) to killing myself out of despair. Did I betray Christ by saving my life? And, if I did, what does that say about Christ?"
During the time my first marriage was breaking up, my son's father told me I should kill myself as that would make things much easier for him--and for me, as going through life as a divorced person would make my life not worth living. Thanks a lot. And last night, Taciturn and I watched the movie Sylvia, in which she does kill herself due to her husband's philandering.
Of course fidelity and commitment is what we swear to. That must be a two way street. Staying married but losing one's soul and being is too high a price. I think I posted once about an Assembly of God pastor who spoke admiringly of the woman who allowed her husband to urinate into her mouth so she could witness Christ to him. It was all I could do to stay in that room.
My second marriage was very brief. He told all of his friends he married me because I had a good job and he would not have to work. When I came to that painful realization myself, I showed him the door. I adored him so it was hard. But that broke my heart enough to really let Christ transform me.
Yes, who believes in divorce? But sometimes it happens. Life is not perfect and I personally know no one who would choose to be divorced if it could be avoided.
Thanks for this thoughtful post, Doxy.
If I've ever used that argument, I apologize. I've never really thought about it before.
To answer your questions, though they're not exactly written for me:
1. I don't think people should stay in a relationship where they're miserable.
2. If the other person is not willing to try to work things out, I'd say the relationship is already over. There's no real reason to stay. And anyone who is in that situation has my greatest sympathies and warmest wishes.
I struggle with this issue on a personal level. Not because I've ever been divorced, but because as a person who (1)hopes to get married someday and (2) has strong beliefs about any vow I might take, I find the very idea of making a marriage pledge to another person a rather frightening thought.
Vows and covenants are made between two entities. God witnesses those covenants. "May God watch between me and thee while we are apart, one from the other." Not a statement of fidelity necessarily but a statement that the covenant is made with God as a witness, with God as a help in the times when the two are apart.
Keeping a vow or a covenant takes two. One cannot do it alone, no matter how much God watches.
Marriage is a covenant. You can't keep it alone. When one breaks the covenant, the covenant is ended. Done. The two may decide to make a new covenant, but the old one is done.
Acts by one party to the covenant that threaten the life of the other party make the covenant null and void. Divorce is just the recognition of the state of that marriage covenant.
I believe that divorce is the statement that a covenant is ended. Believing or not believing in it does not make it any less true.
And, yes, I'm also twice divorced, and I'm now happily in a ten year covenanted relationship.
May God bless each of us who covenants and fails. May God bless each of us who covenants and is failed. May God bless us all.
Doxy,
This is beyond a controversial subject in the church. I agree with everything you've shared concerning committment and fidelity. Marriage is a covenant that requires hard work. It's not easy, and never to be taken lightly.
I certainly don't think that divorce is ever the ideal well of God, but sometimes I know it can be the lesser of evils. And, God forgives divorce.
I personally do believe that Jesus was speaking to men who were willing to divorce their wives for any light reason, basically leaving them without a means of support in that culture. He's letting these men know that divorce is a serious issue, not the ideal will of God for marriage, and should only happen in extreme circumstances such as adultery.
But, hey, let's think this through together. Does Jesus expect folks to stay together if say, the husband is an unrepentent murderer?? What if he is physically abusive, beating the kids, or is emotionally abusive.
I had a friend years ago who was actually advised by her minister to stay with a man who assaulted her so badly that she ended up in the emergency room. But, hey, at least he didn't commit adultery. C'mon. Does this sound like the love of Christ. I don't think so.
Sometimes I think folk's common sense must just fly out the window when it comes down to the interpretation of the word of God.
I mean do we read the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus talks about turning the other cheek, or not resisting evil, to mean that it's just fine to stand there and allow ourselves to be physically assaulted, even murdered? I don't think so.
Or when Jesus talks about someone taking your shirt, we should allow him to have our coat also...
Should I interpret this to mean that if someone happens to try, and take my laptop, I should literally offer him my T.V. and the keys to my car going out the door. Hey, no problem. Just turn off the light on your way out.
You know it seems to me that Jesus is sharing general principals here, not something that should be interpreted in a literal way by the letter of the law, so to speak.
I hope I haven't lost my evangelical credentials, here. Oh no!! But, seriously, Doxy. This all seems so obvious to me when I consider the awesome love of Jesus Christ, and what He means in our lives.
I'm happy for you Doxy. May our Lord just bless, guide, and fill your life in everyway.
Love,
Grace.
Doxy, I don't know how to properly say thank you for this essay. Today, 7 months and 4 days into our separation and with my heart in my throat the entire time, I stood in the county clerk's office and officially filed for divorce from my second husband. I too, married both times with the belief that "true love exists and can be claimed in this life", making my vows "with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength". I have beaten myself to an emotional pulp wondering what I could have done differently, and I pray that someday I will have your clarity and be able to share my story even half as eloquently as you have shared yours.
Doxy,
Just to be clear, I am divorced. I say "I don't believe in divorce" because its easier to say than the truth; I am not at peace about being divorced and remarried. I'm not sure I ever will be. Maybe its a personal thing.
But thanks for your thoughts. I'll be careful about wording my discomfort quite that way in the future.
Thank you Doxy. This means a lot to me this week.
Mags
Doxy, I believe in divorce.
I don't believe in half-hearted commitments or covenants with fingers crossed by any means. But sometimes living out the covenant you originally intended does not work out. Making each other miserable or remaining in an untenable situation (or worse, an abusive one) makes no sense whatsoever. I place far more weight on "I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly" than on any sayings about divorce.
I cannot marry (for the obvious reason). I was blessed to be partnered with a wonderful person for 24 years. Ultimately that partnership unraveled and that was a painful process. But the underlying reasons had lots to do with unhealthy situations we were either unaware of our denied for a long time. Even with therapy and effort and good intentions, we could not become healthy persons and remain together. We have been separated now for six years. Now, here's the kicker. We never stopped loving each other and we remain best friends and soul mates. It is not good or healthy for us to be under the same roof or try to be lovers but it is very good for us to enjoy the deep affection and emotional intimacy that will always be there.
Even with faith, hope, and love it does not always work out. When it becomes destructive, I cannot believe God wants the destruction to continue.
Yes, commitment means you work through rough patches; but there are rough patches and there are impossible situations. We need to discern the difference. I refuse to believe in a sadistic god who wants us to be miserable just to honor a commitment we made in the past (quite possibly without full knowledge of ourselves or of the other).
I am also a romantic who believes in love, commitment, and lifelong companionship when that blessing is possible. I do not condone being reckless with other people or ourselves, though empirical evidence suggests it is not only possible but common to make wholehearted covenants that do not work out forever, but may be very good for a time. I refuse to absolutize ideals; ideals, like the sabbath, are made for humans, not humans for ideals. Divorce is not necessarily a sin or something that needs forgiving. In fact, while it does entail the death of dreams and is always something we mourn, it may not even be entirely a matter of "failure." We failed at many things, but we did not fail to love. I think too many labels and stigmas are attached to divorce and I call horseshit.
Btw, Abigail Stafford's book Crazy Time is very helpful.
Much joy to you.
Oh Doxy, thank you so much for sharing this. I want to think about your insights for a few days before responding further, so for now please just accept my thanks for blessing us all by raising this.
And for now let me stress my absolute conviction that love and honest intimacy with another person (irrespective of genders involved) can never be "a sinful mirage", for these can only come from God alone - the darkness can never bring light to the world.
You know, Jake, I think our culture needs to come to a balance in this. Obviously, if half of all marriages are ending in divorce, something is really haywire. And, as Christians we should not take a light attitude toward marriage.
I'm married to a man who has been divorced, and I can see the damage that this all caused in the life of his children. I've read that even more re-marriages can end in failure.
I think this is all an issue that we need to do a better job of addressing as the church.
But, on the other hand, I would not want to see us go back to a time when people stayed together no matter what, and women especially, were forced to endure truly abusive situations.
Grace.
So many wonderful comments! Thank you....
I want to respond to everyone, so will take several posts to do it.
Lauralew---your stories about your ex and that pastor are horrifying! What kind of person encourages someone else to kill herself?!?! And what kind of "pastor" finds anything redemptive in that sort of abuse and degradation?!
Although you have raised an interesting issue about Jesus' willingness to suffer and what that means for us, as his followers. I'm going to have to think about that one...
I find the very idea of making a marriage pledge to another person a rather frightening thought.
Seithman--I agree with you! But see...we only feel that way because we take the idea of marriage seriously.
As I said, I think marriage is the ultimate statement of faith...which is why the end of it hurts so much. It is the death of faith.
Keeping a vow or a covenant takes two. One cannot do it alone, no matter how much God watches.
That's what my priest said to me, Sharecropper. That helped me a LOT.
And thank you for that blessing. I think it's just right.
Sometimes I think folk's common sense must just fly out the window when it comes down to the interpretation of the word of God.
You are definitely in danger of losing your consevo creds, my dear! ;-)
But Jesus knows your loving heart---he seemed to be fond of throwing out "the rules" when people just needed to be loved, and I see you as doing the same thing. Thanks, my friend. (((Grace)))
I have beaten myself to an emotional pulp wondering what I could have done differently
Angel---I did that for the 7 years leading up to the near-suicide and the decision to leave, so I'm done with it now. Since the day that God literally told me not to kill myself (another story for another day), I have not looked back.
I regret what the divorce has done to my children, but I have never *once* second-guessed my decision to leave. Maybe because it WAS a matter of life and death to me...the kids could go back and forth between houses, or they could visit my grave in the cemetery. Not much of a choice, in the end...
I think you need to look at how your ex is behaving and lay down some of that guilt. He falls under Question #2---takes no responsibility for anything wrong in the relationship. He's both delusional and a jerk and YOU are beating yourself up?!?!?! As my best friend is fond of saying..."Remember where the pathology lies." (((Angel)))
Jake---I knew you were divorced...and I really appreciated your coming to my defense in that little verbal exchange.
I understand the discomfort with divorce---imagine how much harder it is to tell people you've done it TWICE! Sigh.
I was telling my Dear Friend (who also happens to be a priest) last night that I think it may be a good sign that we feel SOME guilt about our divorces. It means we do not take the issue lightly. It means that we take on appropriate responsibility for our individual role in the the failure of the covenant.
For me, the guilt comes in knowing that I married Husband #2 for the wrong reasons (more on that another day too). An ordained friend of mine, whose strong suite is NOT tact, told me "Your sin was to keep him from finding someone who could love him just the way he is." Ouch!!
I place far more weight on "I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly" than on any sayings about divorce.
Paul---bless you!!! That was so eloquently worded. You cannot even imagine how many times I have quoted that scripture to myself in the last two years...
My first ex and I are like you and yours. Even though we could not stay married, there is still a great deal of love between us. He and his husband have been happily "married" for 17 years now, but he told me not long ago that "If anything happens to M., I know that I'll end up with you in the end."
I'll check out the book, thanks!
the darkness can never bring light to the world.
Alcibiades--thank you for that. That's another thing I tell myself a lot.
My relationship with Dear Friend is the most life-giving thing I've ever experienced. It has had the effect of opening a long-dammed channel between me and God. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look...I see and feel God in my life. I cannot imagine how Darkness could do that...
Doxy, I so identify with what you've written here--I'm twice divorced myself, and am in a new relationship. And, like you, I look at the Gospels and wince at how far short my experience has fallen short of the Gospel ideal (although, as you note, I have as a man I have an out that I could try use to justify my position--FWIW, I think the difference between men and women in the divorce passage is cultural accretion, not kergyma.)
I think your musings about how jesus would react is spot on--that he would urge us not to turn inside and wall ourselves off from love. And, I admire your ability to continue to do so.
Still, it's tough, especially as my faith journey has taken me further into the Church, to hear people judging my life without knowing my circumstances, and without crediting the pain and humiliation along the way. Nobody leaves, I believe, a relationship that led to so bold a committment as marriage without suffering a wound. You've just dripped a little balm in those wounds, and I thank you.
I am heartened to see so much grace and compassion being shared in this struggle with a very difficult issue--difficult because it is so very important and because human lives at their most vulnerable are involved. I would like to add that I do not believe in divorce in the sense of having faith in it--which I doubt anyone would have concluded--but in the sense that I believe in it like I believe in other observable realities and I accept that it is often the most grace-filled way forward. Just a clarification of my bold opening statement above.
An addendum to my story: Being a ritual sort of person, I wanted ritual closure. We had no ritual the night we decided, by God's grace, to risk sharing and building a life together. A couple days after what would have been our 24th anniversary we drove off to a beautiful and neutral place we had never been before, stood in a grove of olive trees, offered prayer, and removed the rings from each other's fingers, just as we had put them there on our 20th anniversary. We released each other from our vows and we pledged to keep loving each other in a new way. Right now my ex is on a cruise in French Polynesia but we did agree to be Valentines once more this week. Few are so blessed and my prayers are with all who struggle to make new beginnings.
Thank you for this Doxy. My husband is divorced and there's a lot of pain, and I don't think he felt like he "chose" it, but what do you do when you are repeatedly disrespected as a person? Well, I don't want to say more about that; it's his story.
I don't want to make excuses for the Bible but I believe that Jesus addresses men at least in part because in that society it was men who were mostly seeking divorces.
Personally, we can talk about divorce as sinful, but let's talk about marriages that are sinful as well: with abuse and broken trust.
Doxy,
I think one reason you get such wonderful comments is you start us off with such wonderful posts. I won't address them all in detail, just add or point up a few things.
Our Paul is such a wonderful and eloquent guy, isn't he? You both deserve the happiness every romantic knows is there for them.
And, the more I read Grace's comments, the more sorry I am for yelling at her at MP's some time back. I do see the love of Jesus in your life, truly.
I've been divorced since 1996, and I'm still uncomfortable with it. It was love, and hardship, and pain, and growth, and failure--in short, marriage--but it now feels like an outlived event, something I survived when I was younger and more foolish. I think I've as much right to the happiness that I wish to others, but I'm so afraid of another failure.
Someone told us, before we got married, "You get married because you can't do otherwise"; we decided to get divorced for the same reason.
Love and blessing to you all.
Brava, Doxy.
I got divorced when I realized that it was divorce or suicide. At that point, I figured the marriage was dead and my death was not necessary.
I have been married, well and happily, for nearly twenty years now.
I wish you all joy.
Doxy, your eloquent post has the opposite effect on me than on the other commenters here. It leaves me nearly speechless.
What comes to me is that I, imperfect and sinful as I am, I do not judge you for your two divorces. If I don't judge you, how can I believe that Jesus does?
And to the rest of you in broken relationships, I say the same.
You are all beloved of God, no matter what.
And to the rest of you in broken relationships, I say the same.
I meant to say, "And to the rest of you from broken relationships, I say the same". Sorry about that.
Dear Doxy,
I have read your wonderful post two or three times and just read the latest set of comments. Though I know a lot about relationships from both observation and experience I have been neither married nor divorced, so I'm probably not one to comment, but I had just read Mag's latest when you posted and urged her to run over here and read you, given what she was going through. She may have come over even before I wrote that, though.
I am grateful for your loving frankness and beautiful writing, and for calling us to account. We should use this one in clergy training.
Oops I meant and for your calling us to account. My grammar is a little wiggy at 2 a.m.
Hey Ms. Doxy. Well, I've been married for 12 years, and we certainly have had our ups and downs but (so far) nothing that was irreparable. But who knows?...
I am profoundly grateful at this moment that I was raised in a Jewish/agnostic family where the Bible was pretty much regarded as an archaic human document. Divorce is never a happy thing, but it's sometimes a necessary thing, regardless of whether certain people "believe in it" or not. We ought not to be so deeply involved in one another's personal lives. (Judge not lest ye be judged, or what, anyway?) Can we not be Christians without worrying over every word of the Bible?
Jesus said what he said almost 2000 years ago. But let's call it a given that in 2008 A.D., when people get divorced they have valid reasons for doing so. And those reasons are none of anyone else's business.
(((Doxy, just one bane of MP's existence))) :)
I've been thinking hard about your essay ever since it was first posted. My first impulse was to respond with my belief in marriage as a life-long institution and why I, nevertheless, believe that divorce should be available as a means to free persons from relationships that are life-threatening to one or both partners, "life" encompassing far more than just physical health and security, and why, as a practical matter, I think the law must be as liberal as it currently is in many jurisdictions, making divorce accessible to all (at least after some period of trial separation), without requiring adjudication of moral fault or physical or mental incapacity.
Instead, let me step out of my head and give the first two memories that came to mind. The first was actually a collection of those times when someone, either online or in person, made some kind of cutting or belittling remark about divorce or those who divorce. I can think of many, but one that popped into my mind, in the context of online discussions, was a priest who sought and obtained election as an Episcopal bishop who was referred to sneeringly as "twice divorced and thrice married" (not sure about the numbers, but that is my recollection), by those who are strong advocates of continuing to allow both partnered and celibate GLBTs to serve as deacons, priests and bishops. Now, I happen to be not only twice divorced and thrice married but someone who initiated the twice-divorcing. My first response was one of an odd mix of deep hurt, anger, guilt and rationalization. On the one hand, as someone who would not in her wildest dreams want to be ordained in any way, it's really a moot issue, and, in any event, I would never argue that one's marital history is irrelevant in an assessment of character for purposes of discerning a religious calling or standing for a position of religious leadership. But, on the other hand, when I see people making snap judgments on the basis of marital history, I want to stand up and scream about the apparent injustice in making "success" in marriage, for which one gets a passing grade for simply having endured, some sort of litmus test for being a good Christian or a good person generally. Even more frustrating is when (as I think occurred in that online discussion), people look at the conduct of someone who divorces a spouse, after many years of marriage, and then remarries as especially heinous, instead of considering that the length of the previous marriage may well have attested to how hard the person worked and suffered for the sake of keeping that first marriage.
But I do not know what to do with the kind of anger and indignation I feel in response to such judgments when I cannot claim for myself or others that no sin or error was involved or that anyone should be given a free pass. God knows (he really does) how much I wanted my first (and second) marriage to last, how much I ached and cried and grieved over it for more than twenty years, how I sacrificed jobs, money, and relations with friends and family to struggle to make it work, especially once we were blessed with children. But pointing to my husband's active alcoholism in the first marriage or characteristically alcoholic behaviors when he was dry through the second one, always strikes me as an easy excuse or rationalization designed to give people a shorthand explanation that puts me in a favorable light. I do not, for a minute, doubt that I made the best and only practical choice for myself and our children when I divorced, but that does not ease the pain it caused us all or my regret that we did not live out a happier ending to our beginning. Nor does it afford much relief from the knowledge that I, too, was far from a perfect mate, and that my own flaws and failings were at least part of the circumstances that compelled the end of our marriage. So left in that emotional pool of pain, exhaustion (even in hindsight), regret, I find myself with no strength to stand up to those who want to view me or other divorced persons uncharitably.
Which brings me to my second image, or rather cluster of emotions. At some point long after my second divorce, I was speaking with a good friend of mine (Grace, if you're around, my one solidly conservative, Evangelical, Lutheran friend). She recalled one of the first times she noticed me at church, sitting at a table in the big kitchen holding my daughter, maybe a year old or less at the time. She said that I had the most painful haunted look in my eyes, something so searing that it has stayed with her ever since. I do not recall what the occasion was for our conversation, but it may well have been at my ex-husband's funeral. In any event, it was her way of saying that she knew the depth of my pain and isolation long before I did, and that I should never forget that whenever I might entertain regrets about the divorce. What was remarkable about her observation was two things -- first that it came from the one person whom, if I did not know her better, I would have most expected a harsh judgment, and second, that it made me suddenly see myself in the past just as she did, in that very same time and place, sitting at the table I can still see quite clearly. Those eyes, which I could not have possibly seen myself, still haunt me, as much as the real love I still have for the man who chose me twice and gave me our children. God help me, but I will never cease to rejoice and be glad that those days of pain and sorrow and emptiness are now behind me.
Well, that's it. No philosophy, theology, or esoteric discussion about the legal mechanisms for divorce. I believe in God and the life I've been blessed with. That's all.
Oh, ((Johnieb))) that's ok. My friends yell at me all the time. Just look at MP, and JCF. :)
It's a tough row for me to hoe, with that old sinner, dear MP.
I still haven't been able to persuade him that all the evangelicals are not heading for Hell in a handbasket after all this time.
Lord have mercy!!
Love,
Grace.
P.S. There you are Grace! I confess to having long struggled with a sincere desire to love and respect the full Evangelical you are, despite my own very strong prejudices against that general kind of piety and your particular emphasis on right teaching. But when I first read your remarks here, tears came and for the first time truly I felt your love, without qualification, and wanted to extend to you a big hug. I was just too afraid that if I "wrote" it here that you'd take it as more just forced liberality rather than the real thing.
Darn, Clumber really does have me pegged as full of too many words. Anyway, here goes:
((((Grace))))
(((Klady)))
It's a hugfest.
Grace.
(((Klady))) (((Grace)))
Yup.
Doxy -- I am once divorced and thrice married (widowed once rather than into polyandry altho that was an interesting discussion at (the rev) Elizabeth's ). The man to whom I am now married was divorced (not his choice -- but that is his story) and it took a while to convince him it was not sinful to remarry.
My one divorce was for a bunch of wrong reasons because I was not much of a grownup at the time. I spent 4 days a week on a couch with an analyst telling her what was going on with me and my marriage and didn't give the same energy to talking to my spouse. On the other hand, when I meet him now I realize that if I hadn't asked for divorce then (30+ years ago) I would now. So what does that mean? God knows -- literally. And forgives -- literally.
I now regret that I gave so little energy to an admittedly tough relationship but I realize that I would not have made it last forever -- just longer. So what does that mean? God knows.
I DO believe that God does not set things up so that something (relationship or whatever) that is truly BAD for person A is truly GOOD for person B -- or their mutual covenant. It may sometimes be hard for some people (the young, perhaps) to discern whether something is BAD or just inconvenient but there is no question in my mind that nothing is harmed or is annoying to God when I recognize that something is BAD and toxic for me in a relationship and I end it. And that is not just sexual/love relationships.
And .. I believe in fidelity and chastity .. and I acknowledge divorce.
Compared to all the other possible ways we have to stray and hurt people -- this is serious -- but not in the big leagues.
Dear Doxy,
I think I may have come by before and I certainly see you in the comments at Grandmere's, Padre Mickey's and OCICBW. I've been meaning to come by for the past couple of days and what a time for me to arrive.
This is an extraordinary post and as someone who does not really know you, I feel some reticence about commenting, but I will go forward.
I think that divorce -as with other matters relating to religion (I myself am Catholic, talk about issues...) boils down to how and when things were used as devices of control and power. And women were and are so often at the receiving end of that.
Life is hard enough and I can't imagine that of all the "sins" divorce must be one of them. OK- Brittany Spears 48 hour marriage or whatever it was, that is another matter. I also just heard an awful story of a marriage that unravelled at the wedding. Whatever, we are humans and as a result insane at some level. Our wounds are deep.
However, when you make an honest go of it as you and so many have, and it just is not good to be together, it must come apart. Is the divorce not painful enough that sin must be heaped on to it? Shame over shame on top of shame just serves to further hurt people. And it sounds like you had some real challenges, especially in that first marriage.
So it would appear that you are a fine person who, with sincere intentions and a good spirit entered into your commitments. And sadly they did not last. I am so sorry for the pain you have felt over this and how it has impacted your life.
And now you may have found a new love - good for you. I love the idea of a hopeful heart and a persevering spirit. May God bless you richly.
In April of 2007 I finally got married at age 49. Oddly enough I blogged about it today as I was tagged with a marriage meme of all things.
That said, my husband was divorced and it was such a painful event in his life. He felt like a failure as a man, a husband and a father. We knew each other from our youth and had reconnected, so I always say I spent the first 6 months of the relationship talking him off the ledge. It is pretty close to the truth.
Now we are happy and his ex-wife is happily married and we all share in the joyful life of an amazing 11 year old girl who knows she is held in great love by 4 people.
Where is the sin in any of that I ask? Now instead of 3 unhappy ones under one roof, we are 5 who all get along very well, which provides stability for a child.
When I was planning my church wedding, the priest who was our presider told me of the heartbreak of him watching divorced people become disenfranchised by the church. (we were able to marry in church due to a loophole, which sounds silly but was important to me.)
My image is of Jesus handing out the bread of life with great abandon... can you imagine Him stopping because someone was divorced? Not possible for me to see that one happening.
So here I have rambled on far too long and maybe too personally on both ends, considering that I just came to say hello to a friend of such friends of mine. I also see my good blogfriends Paul, LauraLew, Jane R and PJ here and newer friend Johnieb. I am glad to be acquainted with such a remarkable group of bloggers.
BTW - I received that Eva Cassidy CD with Fields of Gold on it for a Christmas gift in Dec 2001, when as someone who had been in NYC on 9/11, I needed some real consolation. The CD brought me much comfort. It is brilliant and glad to see you mention it here as well.
Peace to you - peace, healing, consolation and much love in your life always.
Wow, Doxy, this is really quite a post, and the comments are amazing, too.
Both my grandmother and my sister have been married three times each. I love both of them and their experiences have formed my opinion of divorce. I've been lucky; the Lovely Mona and I will have been married 30 years next month, but so much of that has been the fact that she is a patient person.
My grandmother was first divorced in the late 1930's, something which was looked down on by the entire community in which she lived. She was only married a short time to her second husband; she discovered that he was an abusive alcoholic not long after the wedding, and she decided that life was too short to put her two sons and herself through that kind of hell to make society happy. She married the man I knew as my grandfather and they were married for over fifty years, so it can work out.
My sister has been unlucky in her choices for husbands, but I have supported her each time she has had to call the marriage quits.
Thanks for sharing your stories, and thank you to all the commentators who have shared their stories, too. You have all touched my heart.
I noted this on the post itself, but for those of you who get the comments via e-mail and might miss it, Alcibiades, over at Caliban's Dream, has written an amazing and heart-wrenching follow-on to this post. Please go read it.
It may take me a while to respond to those who posted recently, but I will. (Work has been insane this week, and today my new love and I are going away for the weekend. :-)
But I want to say "Thanks again" to all of you who have shared your stories and been so Christ-like in your words.
After responding to a post of Paul's (a little off-topic, I was) I wondered whether my thoughts on friendship and the variety of forms of friendship and love were in some way related to yours on marriage and divorce. I think they are. Do we place expectations on marriage that affect our attitudes toward divorce? What have we done to ourselves by making coupledom the standard against which other relationships are judged? I know that's a little aside from what you brought up so eloquently, Doxy, and I also know that you are not, in speaking of your new dear friend and love, saying coupledom is the be-all and end-all. But I wanted to share this (see the Comments section) reflection on relationships because I think it is part of the big picture.
Thank you again. Oh, and I love the Eva Cassidy song. Someone gave it to me as part of a homemade CD mix a few years ago and it always moves me. I had no idea it came from Sting! It sounded like an old folk ballad to me - so familiar and dreamy.
Doxy,
Can Dogs Get Married? If so, I want to Marry You.
Love, Grendel.
((((((((Doxy))))))
thank you for linking to Caliban, too....
Doxy,may God bless you and your new dear friend and may you continue in much happiness.
I am divorced. I don't believe in divorce. Sometimes, the things we don't believe in happen anyway.
Thank you for your eloquently honest essay. I am genuinely sorry for any pain my comment may have caused you. I am grateful to be able to try and explain comment more fully. I pray it begins to make amends.
Grendel,
That is not very misanthropic of you.
Rowan
Doxy, unlike a lot of people here I don't have a lot to say -- but thank you, thank you for this post. Starting divorce proceedings with the ex (and it looks like it's gonna be a fight) and really needed to read such a thoughtful consideration of the topic.
Doxy, I think I gave you a slightly erroneous book ref. It is by Abigail Trafford: Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life (Harper Perennial paperback, red cover, title in white and subtitle in black).
I continue to be overwhelmed by all your kind words, and by the knowledge that I am not alone in my failures. For those of you struggling to come to terms with the end of your relationships (especially you, Kate), please know that you are in my prayers.
Elizabeth--thank you for commenting. You didn't cause any pain---just caused me to think long, hard, and deeply about my own experience. I count that as a good thing and I am grateful for it.
Writing this piece actually helped me heal a bit--a wise friend told me that it's the things we don't talk about that cause us so much damage. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes...
I think the smartest thing I could possibly do would be to marry Grendel. The truth is that I've always been looking for a partner who would love me half as much as my dog does...
Jane--I appreciate your point about coupledom not being the be-all and end-all of existence.
In my own world, my closest girlfriends--my family of choice--are the most enduring loves of my life. They have outlasted any and all of my relationships with men, and I have no doubt they always will.
Fran---what a lovely story about your stepdaughter! God bless you all for putting her in the center of your relationships.
Padre Mickey---my mother is married to Husband #5 and my sister to Husband #3 Part of my issue about divorce is that I was so determined never to be in their shoes---so much pain and anguish for both of them, even relatively uncomplicated (in their particular cases) by issues of faith! FTR, they both seem to be happy now. I pray to God that they continue to be.
I believe in God and the life I've been blessed with. That's all.
Amen, klady. Amen.
Such an amazingly honest and good-hearted post. Many blessings on you for the healing touch this provided for many readers.
I apologize for coming late to the conversation, Doxy, but let me point you to this analysis of Jesus' words on divorce that I think more people need to hear.
Do keep living your life. You seem to have a lot of things right, including directions.
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